Help for the Overwhelmed Parent

Thank you, thank you Kristin and thank you, thank you whoever first recommended the book to you, Kristin! I have so enjoyed reading Raising the Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka at Kristin's recommendation!

Even though it's a lengthy read, the overwhelmed parent will find it to be easy reading and it will lock you in and capture your attention. And hey, it's written by a Minnesotan, a fact that should make all of you friends in the artic country proud!

I could write forever on what I learned from this book but I will condense it down by quoting the author's first statements in chapter 1, "The word that distinguishes spirited children from other children is MORE. They are normal children who are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children." She also goes on to say that they can be MORE energetic and moody than the average child too.

In speaking of the difficult days with a spirited child, the author writes, "...you realize you've left more public places in a huff with your child in five years than most parents do in a lifetime." Ding, ding, ding, that one fits me and my child is only 3 and a half!!!

She writes, "You feel weary, drained, and much too old for this, even if you were only in your twenties when the child was born. It's hard to love a child who keeps you up at night and embarrasses you in shopping centers. On the bad days, being the parent of a spirited child is confusing, frustrating, taxing, challenging, and guilt-inducing. You may wonder if you are the only parent with a kid like this, scared of what is to come in the teen years if you don't figure out what to do now in the early years." Page 10.

There is sooo, sooo much in the book that is encouraging to me as a parent of a very spirited child. I have been "at my wit's end" so many times after reading parenting books because the methods they suggest do NOT work with Ali. I especially get frustrated with books that claim that if you do this, your kid will do that. Or books that leave no room for grace or differing temperments in children. Before I had children I suspected that if you were firm and consistent and spanked them in love they would turn out fine. After all, I was disciplined that way and it worked wonderfully for my folks. Even though I have a very spirited younger brother I somehow thought that he was the way he was because my parents eased up a bit and spoiled him more since he was the youngest.
Then I became a parent and experienced an 18 month old who could take any and every article of clothing off and fling poop all over her room EVERY SINGLE DAY no matter how I pleaded, cried, or disciplined her. I experienced a child who would get into EVERYTHING and in fact pushed open the screen door and crawled out into the yard before she could even walk sending me into a frenzied panic when I couldn't find her anywhere in the house. I experienced a kid who could scream for hours, who could pull off the most show-stopping tantrums ever in public and who could take whatever discipline was dished out and still refuse to bend her will. A girl whose grandparents laughed when I told them I was going to teach her to be a lady.

Finally.....a book that helps me to understand my daughter and feel like I'm not alone. It's like a breath of fresh air.

While this book isn't a Christian book, I still gained soooo much from it, in the same way that a Christian could gain from a book entitled, "How to Sew Hand-Made Quilts." The book explains the different traits of a spirited child and how to deal with their pesonality traits in effective ways based on lots of research and collaboration with parents of spirited kids. It doesn't talk a lot about discipline and give you fool-proof methods, but gives you the tools to figure out discipline that works better based on your child's temperment. The author does mention briefly in the tantrum chapter that one should never spank a spirited child, which I disagree with. I believe it is Biblical to spank for willful disobedience. However, I agree with the author's statement that one reason it can be harmful to spank a spirited child is because they are so intense and so good at riling us up that it's very easy for a spanking to turn into abuse so it's best to not spank if you can't handle it. A very good point.

While Ali doesn't have issues with adapting to new situations or to change like some spirited kids, she scored the highest possible score in energy, intensity, and persistence. She is also quite sensitive, something I didn't realize until I took the quizzes and read this book. No wonder she is irritated by the smell of dirty diapers in the bathroom garbage or freaks out if there is a wrinkle in her blanket. She's also very perceptive and can be moody. The book also pointed out to me that the reason we clash a lot is because we are similar in a lot of areas. When I took the quiz I realized that while I'm not a spirited parent, I am a spunky one, and I discovered I am way more energetic and intense than I realized, which no doubt causes clashes between Ali and I.

The author gives practical tips for diffusing battles with your spirited child and preparing and planning ahead to try to avoid struggles. She talks a lot about introverts and extroverts and how this trait affects the spirited child too. She emphasizes that because spirited children are MORE...than other kids, they take more training, attention, and parenting. So true! I feel like it is effortless to discipline Jeremiah! On a bad day, he gets disciplined a couple of times. On a great day for Ali she may only get a few consequences!

One of the best things about the book is the way the author speaks about the spirited child in positive tones, reminding the reader that spirited people are often the leaders, the inventors, and the people who make a difference. I know I have been guilty of labeling (my difficult, challenging, strong-willed, stubborn child, rebel, hellion etc.) and I have had to lay aside the dream or expectation I once had of what a little girl would be like (feminine and sweet and docile and obedient, etc.) and accept Ali for who she is.

Some phrases I got a kick out of in this book, (not sure what pages they are on and these quotes aren't word for word)

*If you are an introverted parent and not too energetic and you have an extroverted and very energetic child, you may feel like a Mack truck ran over you at the end of each day!

*If you have an energetic and intense child you may find that he/she is the one tackling his/her friends out of enthusiasm at a playdate. (Bingo! That's my Ali!)

*An energetic child can often be found falling out of his chair at dinner time or trying to get up and down a million times (am I the only one who has tried tying their child to a chair with a robe tie to keep this from happening constantly? I would LOVE to buy a trampoline for Ali to burn this energy off on!)

*One mom of 5 was quoted as saying something like, "If I counted up all the tantrums of my last 4 kids and combined them, they wouldn't come close to equaling the amount of tantrums my first child had." (I sure hope this is true for me and that any future kids we have aren't spirited.)

*If you have a spirited kid, you can pretty much guarantee your sister-in-law doesn't and everyone is looking at you at family gatherings and wondering why your kid is screaming and what kind of a parent you are or is doling out advice!

*Your child might be spirited if they have never whimpered or cried softly but they WAIL and SCREAM from day one! (So, so, so, so true! Even now, when Ali has a bad dream she goes from silent to screaming at the top of her lungs immediately! If she is frustrated or something little is bugging her she hollers and loses control! This immediately irritates my hubby and I and it's hard to be loving, kind, and calm with her because of this.)

If you have a spirited child (they may have only a couple of the characteristics of all of them) I highly recommend buying a copy of this book to use as a reference for years to come.