Saturday, April 12, 2008

Seeing Blue in August

On Friday, we got to experience one of the neatest things ever: Our first ever ultrasound! In the past our insurance hasn't covered them and we've wondered about the safety, but I figured that since it's covered this time and everyone has them and their babies seem normal, we decided one wouldn't hurt! Wow! Now I can see why they save lives in pregnancy centers. It is so awesome to see pics of one's little tiny one and know that you aren't imagining being pregnant, there really is a tiny, fully-formed human being in there!

When we found out that our itty-bitty-belly-dweller was a second heir to the family name, to say I was shocked was an understatement! I was SO convinced it was a girl, based on lots of factors: I have NEVER been wrong before with "intuition" and I felt so sure this was a girl, I really wanted another daughter, Ali wanted a sister, the timing of conception, the pregnancy itself (my first and third felt the same; with Jer I lost twice as much weight), the fact that we had only a girl named picked out (from back when I was preggo with Jer) , all of my cousins and friends having girls this year, etc. I know it's absolutely nuts and crazy of me to build such a fantasy on what isn't actual truth, but the sad thing is, that I DID, convincing myself the baby was a daughter! I had the pink cloth diapers (only 4 thankfully) cut out and ready to sew, a nice piece of fuzzy pink blanket material I had dug out of the sewing tub ready to make into a blankie, plans for matching mommy and daughter dresses out of some floral fabric I have, little pink leather shoes in the works for our "baby girl," even the baby announcement ideas going in my head, a girly scrapbook kit I snagged brand-new at a yard sale last summer for hardly anything that would have been perfect for a baby girl's baby book, and some adorable dresses from the thrift store (which will now go to my cousin who's due any day with a girl). I also had this vision in my head of two little girls playing tea party together, giggling and sharing secrets, and wearing matching dresses occasionally. I had this idea of more than one daughter to share life with as a friend someday, going out for Girls' Nights Out and watching them grow into godly young women and get married and have babies of their own, while Jeremiah hangs out with Dad and is his right-hand man. Having never had a sister I think I always wanted for my daughter what I didn't have. Since Alathia is such a strong-willed little thing and full of spunk I was also curious to see if another girl would be more quiet and compliant. If nothing else, I wanted to prove my Dad wrong, who was SO sure that I would be exactly like my mom and have one girl followed by two boys!

Needless to say, a dream, even one formed on false premises, does indeed die hard when it dies! I was dealing with such disappointment throughout the day on Friday, wondering how I could possibly feel this way when others would just be thankful to have ANY baby and knowing in my heart that God is the author of life and HE GAVE US EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED US TO HAVE! I kept telling myself how precious Jeremiah is to me and how I know when I hold this tiny little guy in my arms I wouldn't think of trading him for a dozen girls! I thought of my own brothers and how I wouldn't trade them for a sister for anything and how nice they have grown up to be.

My husband tried to make me feel better by pointing out all the positives of having little boys. Jeremiah is surrounded by a domineering big sis and lots of neighbor girls so he will benefit from having a boy to play with close in age. King Jo reminded me of the darling boys (now grown into young adults) whom he grew up (anyone know the Kangas clan?) and how sweet and kind they are and how much they help out with the family business and the chores. King Jo assured me that we'll probably have another girl somewhere down the line (so my dreams listed above aren't necessarily completely impossible at this point!)

What I learned from this experience is that often we as human beings lay our plans, whether in thought or in action, and we have this idea of how things should go. Sometimes those plans are founded on fantasy and not reality. Sometimes those plans are not God's plans. He has something different, and yes, better, in store for us! He knows what we need better than we do. The gifts He gives are perfect for us, designed with His glory in mind. I have learned that it was foolish of me to put so much stock in a feeling instead of just waiting to see what God had in store for us!
God knows what this little boy will grow up to be. Perhaps he will write a wonderful book, build beautiful homes for people, serve as a missionary or pastor, or save lives in his profession. No doubt, the Lord knows that we need sons since they have such a wonderful and amazing father to model and learn how to be godly men from! And my friends with lots of beautiful little daughters will need to know there are still honorable men left on the earth to marry their girls!

So, even if I felt the sting of "the death of my baby girl dream" I realized that upon the death of one dream, a new one can form. I pulled out the little boy clothes from the shed and have been looking at pictures of a tiny newborn Jeremiah to remind myself how unbelievable and precious little boys can be. As I stared at the profile of my baby's ultrasound photo last night, tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought of how healthy and perfect he is and how much I love him in spite of the shock! As I stared at my little toddler son in his crib last night, who woke up calling, "Mama!" in the night and felt his fuzzy little hair, and held his little body, clad in fuzzy blue pajamas, with a Curious George tucked under his arm, I knew that another little son would be every bit as precious as he is to us! And deep in my closet there is a beautiful blue crocheted blanket that I'd started for a cousin several years ago but hadn't finished in time. Once it was done, I tucked it away in my gift stash, waiting for a special family member to have a boy. Now I know a little boy I can give it to, with a Mama's love! (It's pictured above!)

Update: Since I wrote this post a couple of days ago but didn't publish it until all of our family members had been told, my attitude has really lifted and now it seems just natural that we're having another boy. It's funny how you can believe you are having a girl for over 110 days and then 2 days after the shock of finding out SHE is a HE, you are already dreaming of blue little clothes and little brothers that play trucks together and thinking about strapping sons to carry on the family name. Isn't it a good thing we women are so adaptable?


Thia said...


Josh & Laura Helweg said...

Oh Lindsey, I love how honest your post is! I felt the same way when Bekah was born.. I was so sure she was a boy! for a few hours after she was born,I had my "baby boy regrets" for, I was like you and bought things for "him" who turned out to be a "her". ( I was so sure!)Yet, I thought as you did about every child is a blessing and has a God given purpose in your family.. and now I ADORE having two girls.. and wouldn;t trade it for anything..although a boy would be nice sometime!! lol.
I do know the Kangas boys, and they are great examples of godly young men/brothers. I am thrilled you get to have 2 sons close in age.. what a fun time they will have together when they are a bit older!! Brothers are the best.. :) Congrats!

the momma said...

Hey there ~ congrats on your little man!!!!
I am so proud of you for already looking at the future; so many times, people 'see' only a baby - but that precious baby grows up all too quickly & becomes a husband/wife, mama/papa. It's so important to keep that in focus, while at the same time, not rushing those early years.

I think I've been wrong every time I was pretty sure! ha - the most suprising, though was #4, I couldn't tell from the ultrasound (it was the first one I'd had an ultrasound with) & asked them not to tell us - but after it, the doctors kept saying it was a girl, fast heartbeat & all that.... baby came out, they turned 'her' over & I was like, "oh my - there's a package down there!" and what a wonderful son he has been!!!
we weren't going to find out with Lily - but I've gotten a lot better at identifying those grainy images (and they've gotten alot better over the years!)that as soon as I looked at the screen, I KNEW - I'd never seen THAT before on an ultrasound! :-)

hope you have a great week as you carry this new news in your heart

Anonymous said...

My little sister was a boy in the ultra sound and she was a girl.

Lisa said...

Congratulations! Little boys are so precious.

Cassie - Homeschooling Four said...

We did the same thing with our first. We were completely convinced she was going to be a boy. We couldn't find out the sex until I was 30 weeks (she didn't cooperate the 1st time). By then, we were already referring to her as a him and had a name picked out and were definitely looking at boy clothes and such.
I'm really glad we found out her gender before she was born. It would have been a much bigger shock if we found out at delivery time. I'm sure the same is true for you.
I also wanted to stop by and thank you for your kind comment on Crytal's blog about my post. It sounds like you are doing a great job of doing devotions with your kids.

Anonymous said...

It would have been nice to have another girl to help with all the chores. Next time!

Anonymous said...

It would have been nice to have another girl to help with all the chores. Next time!

Mrs. Taft said...

Congratulations! I understand baby regrets, we had an early ultrasound with my oldest and they told me "Oh, looks like boy parts to me". I was so sad, as I wanted a little girl. When we went in for the actual ultrasound, and they said it was a girl, I was so shocked I made him show me several times! By that time I had accepted the "boy" and was even desiring of it, so again I had to switch. ;) But once you have your baby, you just love it so much it doesn't matter what gender it is. I do hope we have a boy next, but if we have another little girl I will be happy. If I ever get pregnant again, that is. :)

Kristin said...

Congrats Lindsey! I'm sure Jer will love and appreciate having some brother support! :-)

So now that you've done it both ways - found out and didn't find out the gender - do you feel like you've "ruined" the surprise? (Or maybe that will be a better question to ask after the baby is born.) Having done it both ways as well, I can say that I loved finding out ahead of time, as I'm a planner. I didn't feel like the surprise was ruined at all.

P.S. The blanket you are making is beautiful!

-V- said...

WOO HOOOOO!!! Congrats! :-)

Mara LaTourelle said...

We are so happy for you, Lindsey! I also identified with your story. When we found out we were pregnant with Daniel, I also was SURE he was a girl. We affectionately referred to him by our favorite girl's name for months and talked openly about "her" to everyone. We were completely blown away at our ultrasound. I noticed even before the technician did that it was a boy and just started crying out of shock! I was so startled by my response. It just took a couple of days for me to adjust my mind and switch gears with planning. It did help to go browse through the adorable boy clothes to start getting excited. So much for a mother's intuition!

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