Seeing Blue in August

On Friday, we got to experience one of the neatest things ever: Our first ever ultrasound! In the past our insurance hasn't covered them and we've wondered about the safety, but I figured that since it's covered this time and everyone has them and their babies seem normal, we decided one wouldn't hurt! Wow! Now I can see why they save lives in pregnancy centers. It is so awesome to see pics of one's little tiny one and know that you aren't imagining being pregnant, there really is a tiny, fully-formed human being in there!

When we found out that our itty-bitty-belly-dweller was a second heir to the family name, to say I was shocked was an understatement! I was SO convinced it was a girl, based on lots of factors: I have NEVER been wrong before with "intuition" and I felt so sure this was a girl, I really wanted another daughter, Ali wanted a sister, the timing of conception, the pregnancy itself (my first and third felt the same; with Jer I lost twice as much weight), the fact that we had only a girl named picked out (from back when I was preggo with Jer) , all of my cousins and friends having girls this year, etc. I know it's absolutely nuts and crazy of me to build such a fantasy on what isn't actual truth, but the sad thing is, that I DID, convincing myself the baby was a daughter! I had the pink cloth diapers (only 4 thankfully) cut out and ready to sew, a nice piece of fuzzy pink blanket material I had dug out of the sewing tub ready to make into a blankie, plans for matching mommy and daughter dresses out of some floral fabric I have, little pink leather shoes in the works for our "baby girl," even the baby announcement ideas going in my head, a girly scrapbook kit I snagged brand-new at a yard sale last summer for hardly anything that would have been perfect for a baby girl's baby book, and some adorable dresses from the thrift store (which will now go to my cousin who's due any day with a girl). I also had this vision in my head of two little girls playing tea party together, giggling and sharing secrets, and wearing matching dresses occasionally. I had this idea of more than one daughter to share life with as a friend someday, going out for Girls' Nights Out and watching them grow into godly young women and get married and have babies of their own, while Jeremiah hangs out with Dad and is his right-hand man. Having never had a sister I think I always wanted for my daughter what I didn't have. Since Alathia is such a strong-willed little thing and full of spunk I was also curious to see if another girl would be more quiet and compliant. If nothing else, I wanted to prove my Dad wrong, who was SO sure that I would be exactly like my mom and have one girl followed by two boys!

Needless to say, a dream, even one formed on false premises, does indeed die hard when it dies! I was dealing with such disappointment throughout the day on Friday, wondering how I could possibly feel this way when others would just be thankful to have ANY baby and knowing in my heart that God is the author of life and HE GAVE US EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED US TO HAVE! I kept telling myself how precious Jeremiah is to me and how I know when I hold this tiny little guy in my arms I wouldn't think of trading him for a dozen girls! I thought of my own brothers and how I wouldn't trade them for a sister for anything and how nice they have grown up to be.

My husband tried to make me feel better by pointing out all the positives of having little boys. Jeremiah is surrounded by a domineering big sis and lots of neighbor girls so he will benefit from having a boy to play with close in age. King Jo reminded me of the darling boys (now grown into young adults) whom he grew up (anyone know the Kangas clan?) and how sweet and kind they are and how much they help out with the family business and the chores. King Jo assured me that we'll probably have another girl somewhere down the line (so my dreams listed above aren't necessarily completely impossible at this point!)

What I learned from this experience is that often we as human beings lay our plans, whether in thought or in action, and we have this idea of how things should go. Sometimes those plans are founded on fantasy and not reality. Sometimes those plans are not God's plans. He has something different, and yes, better, in store for us! He knows what we need better than we do. The gifts He gives are perfect for us, designed with His glory in mind. I have learned that it was foolish of me to put so much stock in a feeling instead of just waiting to see what God had in store for us!

God knows what this little boy will grow up to be. Perhaps he will write a wonderful book, build beautiful homes for people, serve as a missionary or pastor, or save lives in his profession. No doubt, the Lord knows that we need sons since they have such a wonderful and amazing father to model and learn how to be godly men from! And my friends with lots of beautiful little daughters will need to know there are still honorable men left on the earth to marry their girls!

So, even if I felt the sting of "the death of my baby girl dream" I realized that upon the death of one dream, a new one can form. I pulled out the little boy clothes from the shed and have been looking at pictures of a tiny newborn Jeremiah to remind myself how unbelievable and precious little boys can be. As I stared at the profile of my baby's ultrasound photo last night, tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought of how healthy and perfect he is and how much I love him in spite of the shock! As I stared at my little toddler son in his crib last night, who woke up calling, "Mama!" in the night and felt his fuzzy little hair, and held his little body, clad in fuzzy blue pajamas, with a Curious George tucked under his arm, I knew that another little son would be every bit as precious as he is to us! And deep in my closet there is a beautiful blue crocheted blanket that I'd started for a cousin several years ago but hadn't finished in time. Once it was done, I tucked it away in my gift stash, waiting for a special family member to have a boy. Now I know a little boy I can give it to, with a Mama's love! (It's pictured above!)

Update: Since I wrote this post a couple of days ago but didn't publish it until all of our family members had been told, my attitude has really lifted and now it seems just natural that we're having another boy. It's funny how you can believe you are having a girl for over 110 days and then 2 days after the shock of finding out SHE is a HE, you are already dreaming of blue little clothes and little brothers that play trucks together and thinking about strapping sons to carry on the family name. Isn't it a good thing we women are so adaptable?