I have never felt so discombobulated in my life. Isn't that a cool word? The word itself sounds cool, but being this word isn't so fun.
Yes, I've been tired before,
Yes I've worked this hard before,
No, I have never felt like my brain has taken a bigger vacation than now.
If 3 kids kicked my butt, four kids has kicked my butt and stolen my brain!
Often I feel like I'm in a fog and should not be driving! As one friend with 4 kids described, "You feel like you are drowning all the time!" At times my house is immaculate and I find myself doing oddly insignificant chores like hand-sewing an ornament gift, organizing a kitchen cabinet, or writing thank-you notes, but I always feel terribly behind and like there are a million and one more things for me to do in a day. If my house is clean, there are 10 loads of laundry beckoning. If the laundry is done, the kitchen is a disaster zone. If we're doing school I cannot cook anything to save my life and if I'm cooking a meal it's because we skipped school and I let them watch two movies in a day. I've never cared so little about what I throw in my grocery cart as I stumble down the aisles in a hazy fog, my coupons long forgotten at home. On the one hand I miss my "girl time" and my friends terribly and am always trying to get together with them and on the other hand I feel like social engagements are just too much work and that with four kids I've succumbed myself to a life of hermitude. Some days I've run about 7 errands around town with 4 kids without missing a beat, and some days I can barely get out of my pajamas the entire day and let the kids stay in theirs. Some days I've hosted lunches or dinners for company and some days I've melted down, crying to my husband that I'm so overwhelmed and under-appreciated. I managed to get all my Christmas cards and letters done and sent out and yet I've been putting off filling out some paperwork I've had for 4 months because it feels like too much work. I've never lacked inspiration for blogging like I do now, and my lovelife is just a distant memory. I used to thrive on listening to sermons, reading deep books, and doing craft projects in my free time once the kids were in bed. Now, I can't even pay attention to the one sermon a week I hear in church, can't read very much without falling asleep, and prefer to watch TV on Hulu or a movie so I don't have to think in the evenings. Katrielle isn't a horrible baby and isn't colicky but she is our neediest baby yet and likes to be Mama's arms 24/7 and doesn't like to sleep much. Add to that the fact that it's the busiest time of the year, my husband has been gone a lot, our church has had some tough issues to work through that have taken thought and discussion, and certain people in my life continually ask me for "little favors" that I struggle with saying no to--this is a window into my world!
But...as wise older moms tell me.....this too shall pass! I know this is a season and that babies grow up too fast. I know that I will miss having a tiny one and I'd bettersavor her precious cuddles. In the meantime, I'm saying "No" more often, especially to myself, and am reading the No-Cry Sleep Solution, which a lovely blogging friend and mama of 8 sent me. I'm thanking the Lord for Veggie Tales, my frozen meals (they have been a lifesaver as usual and there are about 2 more left), chocolate (my energy source), and every little bit of sleep I can get to survive the next day!
And if you think you've heard it all, just wait....my in-laws, all SEVEN of them are coming for Christmas. Which means we will have company, and 6 kids age 5 and under, in our home for 4.5 days very soon. So, please pray for me!