Not Me Monday!

Surely that's not me wearing a bandana around my nose everytime I have to change a poopy diaper!  My goodness.  I'm not that much of a wimp after 3 kids!  And I'm not such a helpless wife that I would make my husband change all the poopy diapers when he is home, even if that means 3 diarrhea blowouts in a 12 hour period.  How cruel can a person be?


And it isn't me who's been stopping off at the grocery store almost daily, buying things that are NOT on sale, even though the freezer is still half-stuffed from March's Cooking Daze.  I just couldn't be that wasteful and fickle.  I also haven't been throwing food out that has spoiled.  I would never waste food!  Especially my homemade yogurt and organic spinach!


And I would never eat out so many times in a month that I couldn't remember even an approximate number.  Nor would I blow my whole grocery budget on junk food and turn my nose up at my delicious, healthy freezer meals sitting in the freezer.  I would not visit Cholesterol Factory aka McDonald's a few times in the same week for fries and nuggets.  Ick!


I'm definitely not the kind of mom who allows high fructose corn syrup, red 40, and Ramen noodles in my home.  I would never serve my kiddoes Pop Tarts and Rice Krispies and call it supper!


And I could never pretend that I wasn't nauseous 24/7 around my friends to hide my condition.  What a hypocrite!  I definitely don't dry heave after every time I eat a meal with other people once I leave the room.  I'm definitely not such a good actress that my own mom didn't suspect anything until a day before I told her, and only then because I was very, very sick.


Bribing kids is just unethical.  I am certainly NOT the kind of mom who would bribe her kids with candy when they threatened to tell Grammy that Mommy is sick all the time.  And if my kid asks an honest question, "Why are you so sick?" I definitely don't dodge the issue and avoid answering the question until Easter.


I don't throw birthday desserts made especially for me away after one bite.  I'm just not that rude!  And I definitely have NOT filled up our refrigerator with a terribly strange assortment of foods like veggie hot dogs, cheesecake, pickles, cheese pizza, jalapeno poppers, Yoplait yogurts, and onion bagels.


And I have not been wearing lots of extra make-up and brighter colors to try to hide my tortured appearance.  I'm just trying to be seasonal.

I definitely don't resent all the gals around me who are expecting babies who say they've never felt better and are walking on the clouds.  I definitely don't want to scream "SALTINE CRACKERS DO NOT WORK FOR ME!" sometimes when people continually say that a few of these little "miracle squares" did the trick for them.


My kids definitely do NOT use their little toy cups as barf buckets for their stuffed animals.  They do not pretend their stuffed animals are throwing up all the time.  That would just be gross.  My one year old does not make gagging sounds and laugh to copy Mommy and my five year old has not trained herself to run and get the barf bucket as soon as Mommy has a certain look on her face.

I definitely serve my family foods other than pizza.  And I did not have pizza 5 days in a row recently, all of which was take-out, frozen, or from a restaurant.  Who could live off of such a monotonous diet?


And I'm totally the kind of mom who takes her prenatals!  I would never wash my hands of any and all vitamins, including Flintstones, Gummies, and Emergen-C packets just because every vitamin I've ever taken while pregnant has come back up. 


In spite of all of this, I'm really not in the depths of despair either.  I do not do google searches on, "Morning Sickness Hell" or "How to Leave the HG (hypermesis gravidarium) Club" or "Sick and tired of being sick and tired."  I have not begged my accountability partners to grab a gun and shoot me to put me out of my misery.  I have not become a Lost watcher for the first time in my life because I am so miserable most evenings and it's one of the only shows on Hulu that I can see all of the episodes of for free.  I do not mention a certain surgical procedure to my husband daily.  I do not feel like I'm at the end of my rope.


I am not a slave to a little pill called Unisom.  And if for some reason I forgot to take it one night I did not almost die the next day, languishing and waiting for the hours to fly by so I could take my next pill.

I also would never write an entire post for my blog revolving around throw-up and gagging. How unladylike and gross can a blogger be?


And I am most definitely not a tired pregnant lady!



For more Not Me Monday posts, go here.

*Not Me Monday is a blog carnival where moms "confess" their idiosyncrisies and screw-ups by denying the real events of their week.*