All is Grace?

All is grace?  Really God?  Even this?

The words in my inbox were pure anger in Times New Roman beat out on a keyboard in the rage and fury that is a wounded animal mauling the vet trying to save her.


A former close friend, threatening now to try to turn me in to DFS.


My head knows she's lashing out, not knowing if she is going to lose her own children.
My head knows that I have friends in the local DFS office who would find this funny.
My head knows that opting out of some vaccinations as a personal choice is perfectly legal and not a reason for DFS to investigate.
My head knows there are many, many people who would call her unstable and hundreds of people that would give me a character reference.
My head knows that she has left her faith and is running from God and hates those who serve Him.


But for just a second, my heart squeezes and I can't breath and this question echoes through my being, "All is grace?  This God?  This?"  It doesn't matter that she has said that I am hated, or that she has taken every personal thing I've shared with her as a friend and pistol-whipped me with it.  It doesn't matter that she has mocked my post-partum depression.  Oh, well.  But threatening to try to have my kids removed from my home?  This?

He answers in a gentle whisper in my heart.

Yes, even this.

And as I ponder how this threat could possibly be grace in my life and why God allows those who minister to be beaten down by those they minister to, it comes to me.....

.....Suddenly, after months of feeling down, fighting the doldrums and the exhaustion that comes with having 4 little ones and endless trials and tribulations in the lives of those around us, after many nights of laying my head on the pillow feeling like an utter failure as a mother, I see it.  It's the answer to the prayer I prayed just last week, for God to give me strength and patience in my mothering.

Clarity.

Purpose.

Perspective.

I suddenly feel what has been missing for a long time, like the sun coming out for the first time after a long, cold blizzard.

I'm a good mother.  Not a perfect mother.  Not the best mother.  Not a hero.

But, I'm a good mother.

And....

....I love being a mom.

I'd rather be Alathia's, Jeremiah's, Justus's, and Katrielle's mother than anything else in the world.

It's hard, it's exhausting, it's often thankless, and sometimes looked down upon, but I wouldn't change a thing about my life.

And with this clarity, I have empathy and compassion for my friend, instead of harshness, vengefulness, and disbelief.

She is losing her children.


And while I don't think the safest place for her precious children to be right now is with her, I can understand, even just for a minute, why she has resorted to this animalistic rage.  I forgive her and I choose to love her.


And the next day, and the next, and the next I wake up with a smile.


I squeeze my baby Katri and linger over her morning feeding.
I pray for Hannah, in prison unjustly, and missing her babies.
I take the extra time to put another bandage on Justus (the 5th today?)
I praise the efforts of my big-boy Jer Bear.
I take the time to talk with Ali.
I pray relentlessly for my friend, that God would pursue her with the tempest of His love.
I thank God for the cross, and for forgiving me, and loving me, though I have scorned him worse and loved him less than this.


It doesn't mean that life is magically easier.
There are still toys underfoot, dishes to wash, and sticky messes everywhere.
There are meals to make, mountains of laundry to wash, and errands to run.
There are tantrums and fights, and screams, and ouchies and dirty pants, and accidents, and runny noses.
There are still little kids we love going through a vicious court battle, a friend at church dying of a disease, and in this world there are churches splitting, children dying of hunger, and people fighting everywhere.


But I have seen the grace that comes in pain.
And that pain has its' purpose.  A lesson I have to keep on learning, it seems, every year.
When we are pain-free, we watch TV.  We eat chocolate cake.  We worry about how our hair looks or if we can afford to go on vacation or are irritated that someone didn't flush the toilet or that we can never win an ebay auction.


When God allows us to experience pain, in whatever measure He chooses, we hit the floor with our knees. 
We cry out to him in desperate need.  
We dive into His Word like those dying of thirst discovering a pure well in the desert.
We set our sights on what truly matters and the superficial little things in our day fade away.

And He has us right where He wants us:  in His presence.


All IS grace.

Go here to listen to the song All is Grace, on Shaun Groves new album, which I LOVE!!!  This song was inspired by Ann Voskamp, whose blog I also love and read daily.

Side note:  Might you join me in praying for the children involved in this serious and difficult situation?  Pray for God's hand to mightily move on their behalf.

Reeling

Things seem to happen in spurts for us.

All of our friends going to college with us.

All of our friends getting married too.

All of us having babies.

All of us having more babies.

And statistics say, that whether Christian or not, 50% of couples will divorce.

So, 7.5 years into marriage, when people supposedly get "itchy" we are beginning to see families crumble.  Three couples so far in the last year.  One close to us.

What do you say to a friend whose whole world has fallen apart?

I ponder these things as I go about my day, tormented.  Grasping to understand.  Feeling the pain of the little ones involved.  Trying to imagine the upheaval.  Praying that God would work.  Snapping at my kids only to realize it's my devastation seeking an outlet.  Wondering who I can talk to.  When a person dies...it's appropriate to share the news and offer comfort.  But it seems like gossip to share the news of the death of a marriage.

The death of a marriage.  I never thought it could happen to them.

My "Good King Jo" and I grieve together.  Talk things over for a long time, in shock.  Not usually a cuddler, I find myself inching closer to him in bed and grabbing his hand as I fall asleep.  Thinking about how I can show him how much he means to me tomorrow, this week, this year.....this lifetime.  He's a blessing I often take for granted, especially in these tough days of mothering little ones.  I need to know we're okay, even when the world around us isn't. 

I smile thinking about the goofy ways my other friends' husbands show they love their wives.  Facebook statuses about their wife's "hotness" or a birthday cake that took $30 of ingredients and several hours for him to make her.  Suddenly these little displays of love mean so much.

I pray.  I call.  I offer what little I can, the equivalent of a toy shovel in an avalanche.  She cries as she thanks me.  I cry too.

The road ahead is hard.

But, God is good, and He is at work.  I cling to the hope that just as He saved my parents' marriage, He can save theirs too.


*Out of respect for my friends in these difficult situations, I won't be disclosing personal information or names here so please don't ask.  This post is just an outlet for my grief.*

Bearing Fruit in Difficult Times

I'm in the midst of one of the most difficult stages of my life.  Granted, many of you have faced much worse in your day and I mourn with you, but it's still tough for me to make it through each and every day.

My Bible study group has been doing Loving God with all of your Mind by Elizabeth George this year.  It is an excellent study!  Every week the chapter seems to fit my life circumstances perfectly.  The last two chapters we covered were on "Enduring Difficult Times" and "Bearing Fruit in Difficult Times."  I want to share here the formula she came up with for getting through trials.  It's based on the Israelites' captivity, described in Jeremiah 29.

A-Acknowledge God's Hand

B-Bloom Where You are Planted

C-Count on God's Promises

D-Do Something Useful

The next chapter then explores the circumstances of the apostle Paul and Joseph and also modern-day saints like Madam Guyon, Mrs. Studd, and Hudson Taylor.  She talks about doing God's will in hard times.  What is God's will?

1. Delight yourself in Him

2.  Indulge yourself in God's Word

3.  Commit yourself to the Lord

So, how does this apply to my situation?

A-God allowed me to experience morning sickness for a reason.  He will not give me more than I can handle.  He has not left me without the grace to endure this trial.  He is with me and He has a purpose in this.

B-I'm a wife, mother, friend, daughter, niece, aunt, sister, mentor, etc.  I have many tasks throughout the day.  I need to focus on fulfilling the responsibilities I have to the best of my ability.

C-I need to write some encouraging promises from the Bible on index cards and post them around the house.  I need to listen to more praise music and my SEEDS CDs more often to remind myself of God's presence with me.

D-Even when I'm constantly nauseous, I can find ways to move through one tiny task at a time and also to encourage others.  Send folks a little card or just a facebook message, praise my kids for their heartfelt efforts at being Mama's big helpers, call a sick grandparent, pray for a family that's enduring difficult times, write a blog post to inspire others, help plan a baby shower, etc.  I may not be able to tackle the huge pile of laundry today, but I can throw one load in this morning and maybe one in this afternoon.  I can't keep the house spotless, but I can put the dishes in the dishwasher, and then rest, knowing the kitchen is a little cleaner.  I can read many stories to little ones on my lap or just sit and watch videos of their favorite animals on youtube with them.  One minute, one little task at a time.

I need to commit each day to the Lord, remembering that my true satisfaction comes in Him, not in being physically healthy.  I need to indulge myself in His Word, showing my kids that it is a huge priority in my life, and make time to teach them the Word and read it to them at mealtimes.

May God bless you and be with you in the midst of your difficulties right now.  I'd love to hear about them in the comments so I can pray for you.  Please keep me in your prayers as well, that the sickness would end very soon!

Breathing Solace

This day will go down in history as one of the worst days of my life turned wonderful. Today I cried like I have never cried before. Wailed would be a more accurate description. My day began with the same old heavy feeling I've felt all week. Though I received much encouragement from friends in the last week, heard verses of encouragement continually, prayed constantly, and "knew" with my head knowledge that it would all work out, God's presence seemed very distant. I kept begging Him to be close, my theme verse being, "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

I just couldn't feel Him. We began the day still basically homeless with the thought that we would soon be living in a camper in my parent's pasture or in someone's basement, our closest friends left for Kansas, and I had to take Jeremiah to the doctor for a nasty red lesion on his leg that looked majorly infected. Alathia was very naughty, hurting her brothers all day long causing the loss of many of her favorite priviledges and getting many consequences. About the time she informed me that Jer had had an accident on their bedroom rug, I noticed for the first time that she had snuck a pink marker into her room the day before and had decorated a 6-foot section of wall, her sheet, and her legs with pink. So that explains why Jer's face was pink yesterday too! I thought he had done it while they were coloring at the table. After getting out our carpet shampooer and cleaning up the wet mess, I did many loads of laundry while trying to keep track of Justus who is always pulling everything off my pantry shelves or digging in the trash. Today was no exception as someone left the bathroom door open again and of course he was splashing in his brother's potty chair. Ick! Next, I tried to clean up the saltine cracker disaster they had made in the kitchen. A while later, I discovered Jeremiah had not taken a nap at all, but had put his swimming trunks on, taking his nap-time diaper off in the process, and had pooped in his swimming trunks. What's worse is that he didn't tell me about it and tried to wipe himself and clean up, which resulted in poo on the bathroom floor, the crib, etc. I put him in the bathtub for his second bath of the day. He's been doing great with potty-training recently but today was definitely an off-day. As I cleaned up poo I absolutely lost it! It's not even PMS week either!



I wailed hysterically, probably scaring my kids into thinking that poopy messes make their Mama crazy! I felt like I had hit rock bottom and could absolutely not handle one more thing. I know there are many folks out there with much worse problems, but with everything going on, I felt completely crushed and weary. I begged God to help me get through the day. I pleaded with everything in me and told Him I couldn't handle it. That it was too much! Anguish.






After cleaning up the mess we drove to the pharmacy to get his prescription for his bump. Everywhere I drove in town reminded me of places we had gone and things we had done with our friends who are now gone, bringing many tears. Back at home I then served the world's most unhealthy supper. Ramen noodles with white hot dog buns with cheese on them (leftovers from the Youth Group's hot dog night). Don't forget saltine crackers too. No kool-aid or twinkies though. After supper Josiah went to pay our rent and talk to the landlord about when we would need to be out.





When he returned, there was peace. Twenty thousand pounds. That's how much lighter I felt when he reported that Paul had decided to wait until April or May to raise the house. He had realized how limited our options were and decided to give us a break. He even offered us first dibs on buying this house when the foundation is done.

Breath.

Rest.

Peace.

Tears of joy.

Thankfulness.

As I headed to the public library to read my new Homeschooling magazine and soak in some quiet and thankfulness this evening, I felt like a soldier returning from a battle. The exhaustion of the day lingered but a joyful shakiness welled up inside. Looking up at the denim-blue night sky I saw one twinkling star. Nightime stars have always seemed like valentines from God to me. I felt Him whisper, "I was here." Even when I couldn't feel Him. Even when He seemed to be silent while we struggled, even while I wept, even while door after door was closed. He knows what He's doing and what He has planned.



Though I may not understand this side of Heaven exactly why hard times are allowed to come, I do know that they build endurance. Sometimes broken-hearted is the best place to be if it makes you pray as you've never prayed before. The Word becomes life to you. You find out who your friends are. You get to see the kindness and generosity of those around you extended in so many ways. You get to be a showcase for God's awesome power before unbelieving friends and relatives. You become more thankful for the basics, and are reminded not to take them for granted. Life becomes much simpler. You are humbled by your desperation and need for God and for others. Your kids learn that God does answer prayer. You can better empathize with those who are truly suffering and have much worse problems than you.




I do wonder if this is part of God's plan to get us into home ownership. Our town has impossible prices (three times higher than homes in my husband's hometown), and because we are cautious and saving slowly due to a low income we may have never started looking at real estate without this trial. But because of viewing lots of fixer-uppers these last two weeks we have gotten a taste for what we are looking for and what we can afford and my hubby is prayerfully considering a project that might bring about a home for us. If it works out, we could work on it while living here until the spring, but if it doesn't, at least we have 6 months to "house-shop" and won't be pushed into buying a junky home we really don't like out of desperation. Was all of this part of God's way of answering my recent prayers for a home of our own? Maybe! Someday we'll know for sure.



The ache of friends gone is still very real, but I know we will stay long-distance friends and that God is our comfort in this loss. He has not left us without friends. This difficult time has made my church family that much more precious to me.



So, we're breathing much easier tonight. Tomorrow will be a day of joy and praising God for the home we have to live in for the next 6 months. Saturday I will unpack boxes and take Ali on a mother-daughter date to spend time with her as her behavior has been showing she is feeling the strain of these last two weeks. Monday we will be back to homeschooling (hurray, we've missed it!) after a very chaotic week and a half off.



For those of you who prayed, offered basements or campers, called with real estate tips, or encouraged me in some small way, thank you. It meant so much to us. It was amazing to me how my brothers sought to help me too in whatever ways they could. Wow!



If there is anyone out there experiencing a trial, big or small, that's got you flat on the floor, would you please let me know so I can pray for you? Also, this sermon really blessed me the other day if you want to listen to it. It's called, "When My Heart is Overwhelmed."