A RANT Post--Boundaries with Friends

I've mentioned before on my blog that if you are a mom who stays home with your children you will no doubt be innundated with endless requests for help, either from family members who think you have all the time in the world, working friends/acquaintances, church committees, etc. It can be an all-out battle some days just to actually remain an "at-home" mom when so many people want a piece of your time. I've mentioned before that sometimes people ask for something small, not realizing that fifty other people have also asked for something small too. Or, other times you have people asking for something really big, which can be equally frustrating

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This post is not to discourage you from doing hard things for the Lord if He calls you to do so. Life is not supposed to be comfortable for us at every turn and God uses difficult times and situations to grow us. However, I do think it's biblical and wise to manage our households well and keep our priorities in order. One way we can do this is by having a "game plan" for dealing with requests.

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BITTERNESS

Many times in the past I have struggled with bitterness over feeling taken advantage of, especially in the area of childcare, by several different people I know. Because I routinely tackle big projects and have lots of energy, many folks feel comfortable asking me for "the impossible." But resentment can easily build when communication or boundaries are lacking.

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WE'RE BOTH MAKING MONEY

If a friend is making money, I'm making money too babysitting their kid. It's not right to expect your stay-at-home mom friends to babysit for you while you go to work if you aren't willing to pay well or barter. A lot of people think I'm "lucky" to be a SAHM but the truth is it has taken lots of sacrifice, frugality, and personal discipline to live on one small income in today's world. I didn't make those sacrifices so I could raise someone else's kids. I'm not saying I won't help working moms who truly have to work and are going through hard times or are desperate for childcare now and then but have no money. However, no more babysitting for people who can afford to pay me but don't. If they are in a pinch because the normal sitter is sick or something like that then they are welcome to call me and ask, provided they are willing to pay.

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NO BREAKS

I will not "give them a break" on babysitting fees merely because they are my friend. At-home care, which often includes homeschooling lessons, healthy snacks, and more personal attention, should earn at least the amount the local daycare gets, if not more. I have one friend who pays me double the amount of local day-cares, and though I've told her she doesn't need to, she insists because she feels my work is worth it; I really appreciate her!

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BURNT BRIDGES

When a friend takes advantage of some help I've offered, it really tends to burn the bridge. I'm not trying to be harsh and say that the friendship is over, but if they're late picking up the kids after I've specifically told them the time I wanted them back, do you think I'm gonna say yes to a request to watch their kids again? Not likely! My family is my first ministry and if folks won't respect that I have a schedule too then their lack of consideration is probably going to hurt our friendship. It boggles my mind sometimes that people in my life even ask so much of a mother of 3 anyway! It's one thing to ask for help from a mom of 1 but it seems downright rude to force your kids on someone, especially someone with 3 kids 4 and under! Our former difficult neighbors are back in town and they recently dropped their 2 kids off for a couple of hours on Jeremiah's birthday unexpectedly.

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SELECTIVE

I will not babysit regularly (as I've found that to be too stressful for our current stage of life) and I will not babysit for people who are going to go out drinking/partying. My time is valuable, and though I could be making more money by babysitting more often or while people go on weekend drinking binges, that's not how I want to spend my time, nor do I want to support that lifestyle. My cousin in another state who owns an in-home daycare really enjoys her home business and line of work but I would rather make money in a different way if I needed to supplement the income on a regular basis. Right now my own kids are a big enough job and taking on more of them seems a little insane. If my friend is going to the ER, needs to see the dentist, or wants to trade babysitting so we can have a rare date with our husbands, no problem! If my friend wants to drop her kids off so she can relax or get a pedicure, no! She can do something like that on her husband's or Grandma and Grandpa's time! Unless I've offered this as a way to bless her on her birthday or we do a regular babysitting co-op where we take turns giving each other "errand running time", I'm going to veto that. Finally, I'm selective about "WHO" I will babysit. If the child is not disciplined at home, babysitting is a nightmare and way more work than anyone could compensate you for. If the child tends to rile my own kids up or leads them astray, I'll only babysit that kid in a dire emergency.

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MY STANDARDS

I have needed to ask my friends for help from time to time, whether to go to the doctor, the chiropractor, or to put an offer on a house (the one that was rejected). I appreciate my stay-at-home mom friends who will trade favors in this way and am more than happy to help them out if a need arises. Also, if I offer to watch a friend's children, you can be sure I want to do it and want to bless my friends in this way. My personal code of etiquette:

*I will not ask them for a babysitting favor if I'm not willing to watch their kids for the same amount of time

*I will bring snacks for my kids if someone is watching them over snacktime.

*I will not take sick children to someone's home.

*Daddy or Grammy are my first choices; if something needs to be done when neither of them are available.....then...I will usually only ask someone who has offered their help (in a difficult time) or someone who "owes" me for taking advantage of me in situations mentioned above

*I will try to make the babysitting time as short as possible, not running extra errands while I'm out

*If I ever needed someone to watch the kids for a longer period of time I would split the kids up to go to 2 or 3 different homes

*I will always thank the babysitter profusely and offer to pay or trade them.

Obviously these are guidelines and not meant to be legalistic. If one of my kids chopped off their arm or something I would probably thrust my others kids on someone, even without a snack, and even if they had colds.

We can help our friendships with other moms by having boundaries and sticking with them. Being honest from the beginning and gently explaining your standards to your friends can save you a lot of frustration in the long run. Don't expect it to be easy, especially when it involves close friends, but you will be glad you have guidelines.

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SOLUTIONS

I guess it's obvious that I haven't been either clear enough or firm enough in dealing with my friends in the past. My recent feelings have been a wake-up call to re-vamp this area of my life. A lot of these situations happened rather unexpectedly for me due to lack of good communication. When more requests come for babysitting, and I know they surely will, I will have my new standards in place.

Are Kids in Big Families Neglected? Please Weigh In!

A gal at our church once spoke to a woman's group and mentioned that in her family of 10 kids, she never had alone time with her parents. She said she would beg to go grocery shopping with her mom just for some alone time with her. That was about all she got. Another friend worked as a nanny to missionaries with 10 kids. She said the kids were very neglected and it was a sad situation.

However, other families with lots of kids seem to do very well at showing their kids attention. I have at least 10 friends I'm close to, so what makes some think that a mom with 10 kids can't carve out time for them? Especially since they are at differing stages and ages.

Since I was from a 3 kid family and I only have 2 kids right now, I can't answer this question. But, if you were raised in, or have many kids (4 or more) or know a friend in this situation, please give me your input. Are kids in big families to be pitied? Do they ever have heart-to-hearts with their folks? Do they get enough attention? How much attention is really enough for each kid? Do parents really only have enough time and energy for interacting with a couple of kids or do we just tend to think that kids need more attention than they really do?

Along the same lines: A friend and I used to say that it was so sad when parents make the oldest daughter (s) work like second mothers to the family. We pitied gals that we knew of who were homeschooling little brothers and sisters or constantly babysitting/helping them. Our rationale: If the parents are going to have kids, then they should be the ones responsible for them. It's not fair to make your older kids raise your younger kids.

The more I read/study on big families, the more I realize that instead of seeing "working their buns off as a second mommy" as a bad thing, maybe it's not such a bad thing for kids. And no, I'm not just saying this because I'm a mom now and would love Alathia to be my maid/nanny/cook someday! The more I think about how spoiled and self-centered kids are today, the more I realize that hard work would do a lot of these kids good. How rare it is today to find teens who are hard workers with good attitudes! How rare it is to find kids who don't think they are the center of the universe! I'm not advocating that moms should leave their posts and let their older kids have full reign at home. I'm not advocating that kids of any age should work all day with no time for play, hobbies, or rest. I'm just saying that instead of pitying those girls who are the "right-hand helpers" to their mommas, maybe I should honor them and thank them for being so counter-cultural. They of all people will be most prepared for the roles in marriage/parenting as they've learned it firsthand. Maybe we'd have more godly Christian men who knew how to lead if they were practicing it at home, leading little brothers and sisters and helping protect the family.

So, the questions are:
1. Are kids in big families neglected?
2. How much attention/time do kids truly need? How much is enough?
3. Is it harmful or beneficial to the older kids to help raise the younger?