Three 3 and Under---Simplifying Parenthood

Any parent knows that there about a zillion parenting books, magazine, methods, and theories out there. It takes all of about 2 seconds to discover that much of the advice is unbibilical, contradictory, or just plain confusing.

With so many different ways of parenting, it can be overwhelming and/or confusing for the new parent to wade through it all and decide how they will raise their kids. Those of us who have a tendency towards perfectionism can easily become the hyper-first-time-parent.

Believe me, I've been there and done that! My mom and other experienced moms, I'm sure, got a kick out of me. Both hubby and I were terrified to leave Ali the first time and worried about her the entire hour we were on our date. She was 3 months old and we left her with my MOM!!! I was totally into the whole infant-potty-training thing for a while with Ali too until I began to realize it was more about Mommy Training, and with moving cross-country and traveling as summer missionaries, it just didn't work for our lives at that point. Parenting was so new to us and we wanted to do EVERYTHING right. I even had the gall to look at screaming toddlers in the grocery store and declare to myself, "My children will NEVER act like that!"

If there's one thing I've gained from older, wiser moms, it's to keep it simple and RELAX! Whereas I used to wonder how I would manage Wal-Mart trips when my second baby came along, my pastor's wife would talk about how she always took her 4 little kids to Wal-Mart alone, no problem. When I would agonize over leaving 10-month old Ali in the church nursery even though she never cried over me leaving, she would remind me that Ali would definitely live and be fine! I look back on those days and chuckle now that I have three. Now if someone offers to hold my baby, I am overjoyed for the little break instead of hovering and watching their every move! With each baby I've had, I've been sooooo much more relaxed and confident in my parenting. I realize that there are no perfect parents and I have a tendency to go to the "experts" a lot less and instead focus on what's really important. I've said on my blog before that with the first pregnancy you have "What to Expect When You're Expecting" memorized word-for-word. With the second you may glance at it once a month. With the third you may glance at it twice (when morning sickness is kickin' your behind and you need some refresher ideas for coping, and when you are dying to go into labor and want to obsess over labor signs).

Last night I was flipping through some of the parenting books on my shelf and realized that if I was still a hyper-parent I'd be carefully logging sleeping times for all of my kids and analyzing their sleep schedules to death. I'd be doing a potty journal for Jeremiah, desperately trying to get Ali to trace letters and learn to read before her peers and trying to daily calculate whether or not the kids had eaten so many servings of proteins and carbs and fruits, etc. etc. But because I'm no longer a hyper-parent, over-analyzing and over-reacting I am going to be handing a lot of those books off to the thrift store. Don't misunderstand me. I love books, reading, and research. I have recently gained soooo much encouragement from the book "Raising Your Spirited Child." However, now, instead of going to the "experts" for advice or parenting theories and ideas, I'm more likely to go to the Word of God first, which is where I should have started in the first place. I'm more inclined to focus on training in character and not worry about the little day-to-day things or things that I can't control. My head hits the pillow and I'm asleep istantly instead of getting up all the time to check if the baby is breathing or if they have died of SIDS. I laugh at Parenting magazines that tell you everything you should be doing as a parent and feature $80 designer onesies and $500 strollers that you NEED to have.

Parenting is a very hard task. It takes committment and guts and utter dependence on the Lord. But parenting really can be more simple than we Americans tend to make it these days. When I start to feel pressured to over-analyze or over-do parenting, I remember that people have been parenting since the days of Adam and Eve and they have done it without manuals and theories and gadgets of every kind. I doubt Mary and Joseph obsessed over their children's baby acne, nap schedules, or feeding patterns. I look back at the pioneers who settled out west and realize that instead of analyzing parenthood, they just did it! They had real concerns, like how they would keep their kids fed and clothed, and they sacrificed and were willing to work hard for them. One of my friends, Susan, e-mailed me today and said that people ask her all the time "how she does it" with 4 kids, two of whom are twins, and one of whom is just a year younger than the twins. She said, "I just do it!" It doesn't take special talent or incredible amounts of patience. You just roll up your sleeves and get it done!!! And invariably you learn and you grow as you go!

Yesterday my good friend Amy and I took 7 kids ages one-month to four year to the swimming pool, in strollers and on little bikes, and we had a great time! Then we walked all the way back to her house and made lunch for them. Of course it took work and lots of reminding the kids not to ride in the middle of the street or not to run in the pool area but the kids did awesome and we all had fun. We got more than a few wide-eyed looks from other people though! I wish I had taken my camera to capture the way the 6 little ones held hands and formed a chain to walk from the locker room to the pool! As I have a tendency to do these days, I forgot pants for Jer to wear after swimming and undies for Ali, but it was a very warm day and it was no big deal. The more kids you have, the less you beat yourself up about little things like that!

Letting go of some of those things that don't really matter can make parenting so much simpler. While I still can't stand sticky hands and require my kids to eat in the kitchen, I don't mind if the house is messy or they get covered in dirt and mud when they go outside. I don't obsess over whether or not Justus should or shouldn't be sleeping in our bed. That's where he sleeps best and we love cuddling up next to him, so we do it! Jeremiah was a late-crawler and walker but instead of wondering if something was wrong with him or rushing him off to the doctor I counted my blessings that he was still immobile for so long and he eventually took off with a bang and hasn't stopped since! My kids may or may not be doing what their peers or doing, but I don't care anymore because I'm enjoying the ride! I've learned that this stage whips by with lightning speed so I need to take as much time as I can to cuddle them, kiss them, tickle them, and read to them, and most importantly: teach them God's Word.

So lighten up and relax and life will be a lot simpler! Throw out the parenting magazines that just make you feel like a bad parent, get rid of the books that haven't helped you a bit, let the kids get dirty and play, give yourself some grace, don't panic over the minor scrapes and bumps, and seek the advice of older, wiser moms!

*My missionary brother, Colter, gave me this Guatamalan sling. Justus is the first of my babies to actually enjoy riding in the sling!