Breathing Solace

This day will go down in history as one of the worst days of my life turned wonderful. Today I cried like I have never cried before. Wailed would be a more accurate description. My day began with the same old heavy feeling I've felt all week. Though I received much encouragement from friends in the last week, heard verses of encouragement continually, prayed constantly, and "knew" with my head knowledge that it would all work out, God's presence seemed very distant. I kept begging Him to be close, my theme verse being, "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

I just couldn't feel Him. We began the day still basically homeless with the thought that we would soon be living in a camper in my parent's pasture or in someone's basement, our closest friends left for Kansas, and I had to take Jeremiah to the doctor for a nasty red lesion on his leg that looked majorly infected. Alathia was very naughty, hurting her brothers all day long causing the loss of many of her favorite priviledges and getting many consequences. About the time she informed me that Jer had had an accident on their bedroom rug, I noticed for the first time that she had snuck a pink marker into her room the day before and had decorated a 6-foot section of wall, her sheet, and her legs with pink. So that explains why Jer's face was pink yesterday too! I thought he had done it while they were coloring at the table. After getting out our carpet shampooer and cleaning up the wet mess, I did many loads of laundry while trying to keep track of Justus who is always pulling everything off my pantry shelves or digging in the trash. Today was no exception as someone left the bathroom door open again and of course he was splashing in his brother's potty chair. Ick! Next, I tried to clean up the saltine cracker disaster they had made in the kitchen. A while later, I discovered Jeremiah had not taken a nap at all, but had put his swimming trunks on, taking his nap-time diaper off in the process, and had pooped in his swimming trunks. What's worse is that he didn't tell me about it and tried to wipe himself and clean up, which resulted in poo on the bathroom floor, the crib, etc. I put him in the bathtub for his second bath of the day. He's been doing great with potty-training recently but today was definitely an off-day. As I cleaned up poo I absolutely lost it! It's not even PMS week either!



I wailed hysterically, probably scaring my kids into thinking that poopy messes make their Mama crazy! I felt like I had hit rock bottom and could absolutely not handle one more thing. I know there are many folks out there with much worse problems, but with everything going on, I felt completely crushed and weary. I begged God to help me get through the day. I pleaded with everything in me and told Him I couldn't handle it. That it was too much! Anguish.






After cleaning up the mess we drove to the pharmacy to get his prescription for his bump. Everywhere I drove in town reminded me of places we had gone and things we had done with our friends who are now gone, bringing many tears. Back at home I then served the world's most unhealthy supper. Ramen noodles with white hot dog buns with cheese on them (leftovers from the Youth Group's hot dog night). Don't forget saltine crackers too. No kool-aid or twinkies though. After supper Josiah went to pay our rent and talk to the landlord about when we would need to be out.





When he returned, there was peace. Twenty thousand pounds. That's how much lighter I felt when he reported that Paul had decided to wait until April or May to raise the house. He had realized how limited our options were and decided to give us a break. He even offered us first dibs on buying this house when the foundation is done.

Breath.

Rest.

Peace.

Tears of joy.

Thankfulness.

As I headed to the public library to read my new Homeschooling magazine and soak in some quiet and thankfulness this evening, I felt like a soldier returning from a battle. The exhaustion of the day lingered but a joyful shakiness welled up inside. Looking up at the denim-blue night sky I saw one twinkling star. Nightime stars have always seemed like valentines from God to me. I felt Him whisper, "I was here." Even when I couldn't feel Him. Even when He seemed to be silent while we struggled, even while I wept, even while door after door was closed. He knows what He's doing and what He has planned.



Though I may not understand this side of Heaven exactly why hard times are allowed to come, I do know that they build endurance. Sometimes broken-hearted is the best place to be if it makes you pray as you've never prayed before. The Word becomes life to you. You find out who your friends are. You get to see the kindness and generosity of those around you extended in so many ways. You get to be a showcase for God's awesome power before unbelieving friends and relatives. You become more thankful for the basics, and are reminded not to take them for granted. Life becomes much simpler. You are humbled by your desperation and need for God and for others. Your kids learn that God does answer prayer. You can better empathize with those who are truly suffering and have much worse problems than you.




I do wonder if this is part of God's plan to get us into home ownership. Our town has impossible prices (three times higher than homes in my husband's hometown), and because we are cautious and saving slowly due to a low income we may have never started looking at real estate without this trial. But because of viewing lots of fixer-uppers these last two weeks we have gotten a taste for what we are looking for and what we can afford and my hubby is prayerfully considering a project that might bring about a home for us. If it works out, we could work on it while living here until the spring, but if it doesn't, at least we have 6 months to "house-shop" and won't be pushed into buying a junky home we really don't like out of desperation. Was all of this part of God's way of answering my recent prayers for a home of our own? Maybe! Someday we'll know for sure.



The ache of friends gone is still very real, but I know we will stay long-distance friends and that God is our comfort in this loss. He has not left us without friends. This difficult time has made my church family that much more precious to me.



So, we're breathing much easier tonight. Tomorrow will be a day of joy and praising God for the home we have to live in for the next 6 months. Saturday I will unpack boxes and take Ali on a mother-daughter date to spend time with her as her behavior has been showing she is feeling the strain of these last two weeks. Monday we will be back to homeschooling (hurray, we've missed it!) after a very chaotic week and a half off.



For those of you who prayed, offered basements or campers, called with real estate tips, or encouraged me in some small way, thank you. It meant so much to us. It was amazing to me how my brothers sought to help me too in whatever ways they could. Wow!



If there is anyone out there experiencing a trial, big or small, that's got you flat on the floor, would you please let me know so I can pray for you? Also, this sermon really blessed me the other day if you want to listen to it. It's called, "When My Heart is Overwhelmed."