Being His En Gedi in Your Appearance

My recent series on being your husband's En Gedi (oasis of rest/haven) has covered attitude, food, friendship/affection, sex, and homemaking. Now we move on to our appearance. Before we were married we probably spent a lot of time fixing up and making sure we looked our best for our special guy. But something happens after we have kids and can barely stumble out of bed in the morning and can barely find time for a shower or to use the restroom.

How can we please our husbands in our appearance if we don't have a lot of time and energy for grooming?

Well, first of all, I think you should know that you don't have to look like "Miss Hollywood Celebrity" to be beautiful to your husband. He married you because he found you very attractive, so don't try to warp your mind into believing a lie; that you have to look like the world's standard of beauty. Women compare themselves constantly, and we have to discipline ourselves to stop doing that.

One of the best principles I have gained so far from the Mark Driscoll Song of Songs series is that your spouse should be your standard of beauty. I had never heard that concept before. This means before you are married, you should NOT have a standard of beauty because you don't know who God is going to bring across your path and lead you to marry. Once you are married, your spouse is your standard. That means if your husband is tall, you like tall. If your wife is blonde, blonde is beautiful to you. If your husband was once slender but is now heavy, your standard has changed and before you liked slender but now you like heavy. This doesn't mean we can't encourage our spouses to be healthier, change their hairstyle, try a new hair color, etc. It just means that instead of comparing our spouse to the "hottest people in the world" we compare the world to our spouse, whom is always #1 on our Hottest List, as King Solomon did with his bride.

Knowing you are your husband's standard of beauty is very encouraging to a wife. You don't have to wish you looked differently or like so-and-so and don't have to try to be someone you are not. God made you special and your husband loves what God made! If we all looked the same life would be so boring!

What are some ways you can delight your husband with your appearance?

*Work on your inner beauty first because as I mentioned in the attitude post, outward beauty fades but inner beauty doesn't. Some of the prettiest women I have ever seen are those who have a quiet and gentle spirit and a strong faith in the Lord and yet wear very simple clothing.

*Make good hygiene a priority. Most women have no trouble in this area but I mention it just in case. Shower often, brush your teeth, shave your legs (unless your hubby is into the Nolsy look...)

*Dress modestly. There are guys out there who want their wives to dress seductively, but this is not right. (Proverbs 11:22 Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.) Christian women are to be modest and most husbands will appreciate you not showing what you've got to everyone else; it is to be exclusively his. Regularly ask his opinion on what is okay and what is not okay. Don't assume that all pants are okay or all high-necked shirts are okay because based on the tightness or the cut they may be somewhat immodest.

*Ask for his input. What outfits does he particularly like on you? What outfits doesn't he like? Some men won't have a lot of input, and others, like mine, will be more blunt, "That dress doesn't complement your body type." Sheesh, thanks! My husband really surprised me by mentioning he loved when I wore Carhardt jeans back in our college days. I haven't owned a pair in several years! Most people assume that my husband forces me to wear long dresses or skirts but the truth is that he loves seeing me in blue jeans too!

*Find out what your best colors are. Ever read Color Me Beautiful? It is a great book for helping you find out which color season you are. Colors can make all the difference in the world. When I wear white I look positively sick. When I wear salmon or jade or turquoise my eyes look bigger and more sparkly and my skin has a healthy glow. Go here to learn more about your color season.

*Resolve to get dressed right away in the mornings. If you don't make this a priority and you have young kids, your day will get swallowed up and you'll be standing around in your pajamas at noon. I got tired of people coming to the door unexpectedly and having to run to find a bathrobe and being embarrassed that I was still not dressed. Since I've made it a habit to get dressed immediately and fix my hair immediately, I feel better about myself and seem to get more accomplished in a day (and am less caught-off-guard if friends drop by). If you work up a sweat exercising each morning, then exercise first, then shower and get dressed.

*Take 5 to beautify. Even if you have a newborn, you can spare 5 minutes for your appearance. Put the baby in the swing or in the Ergo and comb your hair neatly, brush your teeth, put in earrings if desired, dab on a little face powder and some lipstick and fix your bangs (if you have them). 5 minutes is better than nothing and your husband will appreciate it.

*Take care of your body. This one is really hard for us busy moms. It's not easy to find time to exercise, and hard not to resort to eating out of fatigue. We all know we should exercise more, eat less, and drink more water, but it can be hard to actually incorporate those disciplines into our lives. One thing that helps me is having accountability. In college I used to have a deal going with my friend Anna where we had to exercise 15 minutes a day or else we had to pay the "Mission Fund" $1 for every day we missed. Even though we were a thousand miles away, we were able to keep each other on track and I found that often those 15 minutes stretched into an hour of exercise and I felt so good and was in good shape. I've also done deals where I give up chocolate for a period of time in order to quit indulging myself. When we got a Brita filter for $2 thanks to great coupons, I was able to drink a LOT more water since it tasted so much better. If you have young kids, try incorporating exercise into time with them. We often go for stroller walks or go to the park. I've recently fallen in love with pilates and the kids love to try to do it with me every morning. It's worth taking a good vitamin each day as it helps boost energy and overall health.

*Honor your husband's preferences regarding your appearance. Does your favorite sweater bug him? Get rid of it. Does he wish you would grow your hair long? Do it! Does he prefer you not wear eye make-up? Toss it! Does he love lipstick, buy some!

*Make a list, either on paper, or in your mind of what clothes your husband likes on you, what kinds of clothing flatters your figure and what colors look great on you. Then, when you are bargain shopping and hit a great sale or hit the thrift store you can pick up clothes that will look attractive on you for hardly anything. You don't have to look frumpy just because you don't have any money. Just ask Justus. We've hardly spent anything on his clothing and he's wearing almost all-new outfits and mostly Baby Gap!

As daughters of the Lord we represent Him and we also represent our husbands and also our profession as homemakers. I don't want to bring shame to the Lord, to my husband, or to homemakers in general by running errands in grubby clothes and sweats with uncombed hair, looking like I've been through a war. Clothes don't make the woman and God does indeed look at the heart, but if our outward actions reflect what's in the heart, shouldn't Christian women be the most joyful, radiant, and lovely of women?

For more on this subject check out Passionate Homemakings' posts on "The Art of Being a Well-Dressed Wife."